Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I won the penis lottery.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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