Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
