Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
