Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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