i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
