Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
