note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
