i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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