Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
