Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
