i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
