He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
