I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
God I need to hump something, right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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