Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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