I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
