Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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