Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
