today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
