You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
