return my video game
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
