Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
