i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
