Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
