you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
