Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
