masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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