i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
