there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
