Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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