That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
