2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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