In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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