Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
