i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
