You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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