my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
