I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
