Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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