I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
