Don't make out with my wife yet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
