All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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