I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
