I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
