I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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