I am spending my child support on dildos
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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