I hate all girls vehemently.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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