Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
