a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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