I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
