So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
